Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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