why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
