im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
