Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
