I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
