Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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