why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
