I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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