So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
