i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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