Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Randomize
