can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
