Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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