you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
