Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
