Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Also, beer. Big fan.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm both gender and math confused
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
