you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
