mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
