I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
this is an emotional support booty call
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
