please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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