I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
