This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
