Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
