Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
