I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
