there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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