Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
