He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
