Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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