I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
