when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My ass is underappreciated
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
