just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize