I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
