I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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