Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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