Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
