I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
