I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
