I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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