The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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