You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How drunk are you?
Completed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
