you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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