Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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