I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
