Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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