Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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