I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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