If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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