I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
