so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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