dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
