Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
