i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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