Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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