we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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