at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
